Hers is Better than Mine - Dealing with Comparison

You just knitted a complicated scarf.  Not to brag, but you feel pretty good about it.  You take it to knitting circle to share, but when you get there another knitter brings out a beautiful sweater that looks absolutely flawless.  It feels like you were just punched in the stomach.  You tell yourself “my knit could never look like that”.  And you keep your scarf in your bag.

Or you’ve been working hard to curate incredible yoga experiences for your students.  You love the classes and your students are happy. But another yoga teacher starts to get popular around town.  You know you’re good at what you do, but you keep thinking you aren’t as good a teacher as him.  Before you know it, you’re in a mind jungle of frustration and negativity.  You’re even questioning whether you should teach anymore.  

I see this with a lot of people.  They’re enjoying making fun creations, or are happily engaged with their work. But when they see someone else doing something similar,   they put themselves down.  They think things like:   “I’m not as good as them.  I’ll never live up to what she’s doing.  Have you read her work/seen her art/taken their class? It’s amazing!  I’m not as good as that - so I’m going to stop trying.”  Pretty soon they push aside their passion and go back to playing small.    (sigh)

IT’S COMPARISON

Hey comparison, I’m so glad you’re here! (not. at. all)

Comparison really stinks for you and for the other person.  That’s because when comparison kicks in it’s very lopsided.  You’re seeing all of the positives in that person.  And you’re seeing only negatives in you.  It’s black and white thinking that diminishes you both.  

When you tell yourself that your work is horrible and that you’ll never be as good as the other person, you devalue yourself and overvalue the other.  Downplaying your work undervalues the time, energy, attention, and commitment you poured into it.  So it seems as if your work has no importance. But, you wouldn’t have done it if it had no importance.  Sometimes the importance is deeply personal, sometimes it’s about the process, and sometimes it changes the world.  If you did it, it’s important to you - and that means it has intrinsic value.

On the other side, over valuing someone else’s work puts them up on a pedestal where they have to be impossibly perfect.  And that sucks because they will make mistakes, they do have struggles, and they aren’t any better than anyone else.  Thinking that they are better sets up an impossible expectation that they will never live up to.  

Undervaluing yourself and overvaluing the other takes away your commonalities.  But in reality, you both have greatness and you both have challenges.  You both have to put energy, effort, time, and attention into your work.  And you both have unique contributions to make in the world.   

That person you’re thinking is now a goddess among knitters had to start somewhere and has made plenty of mistakes.  The yoga teacher that’s getting lots of students has also put in the time on the mat.  

If you put them up so high that they are untouchable, you’ve taken away their humanness. And if you put yourself so low that you can’t see the surface you’ve diminished your own humanness.   When you bring them back down and raise yourself back up you let go of comparison and restore humanity for both of you. 

GET BACK TO THE HUMAN LEVEL

Here’s a suggestion for when you’re comparing your work with someone else’s work : Remember Humanness

It works like this

When your brain goes on and on about the other person, remind yourself:

“They’re only human, just like me”

When you’re putting yourself down, remind yourself:

“I’m human, and so are they”

The humanness evens the field.  It doesn’t make your work better or worse than anyone else’s. And it doesn’t make your life better or worse than anyone else’s.  It makes it human.  

Your work is equally important.  

MORE CONFIDENCE

Seeing yourself as equal to people you used to compare yourself with will feel so much better.  As you stop putting yourself down, you’ll notice that you feel more confident and more peaceful around folks who are doing similar work to yours.  More peace and confidence mean you’ll do more of your own good work and share it with the world.  

You have a unique viewpoint and vision. And you are the only one who can possibly take on your work in this way because you are the only YOU!  

Drop comparison and remember humanness - it’s time to own your magic.