How to really "transform" yourself
photo by Ethan Hoover on Unsplash
Don’t you just wish you could wave a magic wand and transform into a new person sometimes? Like, you wave the wand and it would take all of your frustration, and the ways that you’re not enough (not skinny enough, not achieving enough at work, not smart enough, not good enough at all) and replace it with confidence, empowerment, and contentment with things just as they are?
I used to really think that I needed to transform myself. I thought that who I was wasn’t good enough in many ways. To counteract that flaw in myself, I thought I needed to be someone else. That was a sucky way to live because I was always on a self-improvement project and it led to a lot of really harsh self talk. And, I was so attached to trying to live up to what I thought other people wanted of me, that I lost touch with what I wanted for myself.
What I didn’t realize was that the problem wasn’t a problem with me, not with the real me. The problem was that I was trying NOT to be me. The more I tried to “transform” the real me into some idealized version of myself, the worse I felt. Once I started doing real inner work I realized that I didn’t have to be anyone other than myself. Ironically, transformation started to happen as soon as I stopped trying not to be me and started living more and more from my Heart. Funny thing was, it wasn’t a transformation into someone new and different. It was a transformation into my true self.
In her book, Finding Your Own North Star, life coach Martha Beck explains that we have two parts of ourselves. The part we are born with is our Essential Self. It knows deep down what will bring us the most joy, health, consciousness, and contentment in any circumstance. And it will guide us towards those things whenever it can.
On the other side is your Social Self. This is the collection of ideas, rules, and guidelines that we live by so that we can get along with the people in our lives. You grew your Social Self during childhood because you needed it so that you could get your needs met. It’s a good thing to have a Social Self, that’s how you know how to get along in society. Only, there are a lot of times when your Social Self gets in the way rather than making things easier.
Here are some examples:
When your Social Self goes yoga she thinks: “I’m not good enough to be here - I’m too fat or too thin. I’m not flexible enough. My poses aren’t advanced enough and I don’t have the right outfit. Why did I come? I’m sure everyone else thinks I’m a horrible yogini. I’m going to work really hard at home so that the next time I come they’ll see that I’ve improved.”
Counter that with what your Essential Self thinks when she is in a yoga class “ It feels great to be alive. Breathing and moving feel amazing. I love being here and being with other people.”
Or
When your Social Self starts to do some art she thinks: “This isn’t worth anything. It’ll never hang in a gallery, and my toddler would do a better job at this. It’ s not any good. It doesn’t look professional so I don’t know why I bother. I’d better stop trying because I’m just making a fool of myself”
But when your Essential Self makes art she thinks: “Wow, color! Oh gosh I love how this piece goes with that one. I love expressing myself. It feels so good to be creating right now”
Can you feel the difference in the two mindsets? Social Self is worried about what everyone else is going to say (that why she’s the SOCIAL self). And she’s thinking about the past or the future, comparing herself with everyone else and an idealized image of herself that is impossible to achieve.
On the other hand, Essential Self is there for the experience. She’s living right now and isn’t worried about anyone else’s opinion’s or thoughts. She is delightfully self-absorbed, not in an egoic way, but absorbed in the flow of her experience right here and right now. Unattached to the outcome, Essential Self lives deeply into the process, the journey, the flow of life. So she’s much happier and more peaceful.
I don’t know about you, but given those descriptions, I would much rather live from my Essential Self than my Social Self. When you step back from the part of yourself that demands you conform to what everyone else says you should be doing, you may be able to tap into the quiet nudges of your Essential Self. It will feel peaceful and like coming home.
What’s important to remember here is that your true transformation will come not from being someone different but in being more of the real true you. That means making a switch from the Social Self to the Essential Self.
Going from the habituated human, the one who is stuck playing by the rules you learned as a child, to the free being, the one who feels alive playing by Heart is a powerful journey. It will ask a lot of you - surrender your ideas of who you “have” to be, challenge you to go against people and ideologies that you once believed were absolutes, and force you to get more honest than you thought possible. But it will give you a lot in return. More joy, more feeling comfortable in your own skin, more confidence and empowerment. What it will give you most, is the real YOU.
And you finally feeling comfortable being YOU - fully, authentically, unabashedly - is the most powerful feeling you can have.
Do you feel like you’ve been out of touch with your Essential Self lately? I love helping soulful women reconnect with their Essential Selves. Let’s chat. Use this contact form to set up a meet and greet call.