A question for when you feel negative
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
How’s it going in pandemic these days? We’re about 8 weeks of social distancing in and my list of complaints is growing longer. The things that were fun at first are losing their shine, indulging in comfort foods leaves me cold now. My body is uncomfortable and heavier. My kids are shorter tempered. And we’ve all gone over the edge on screen-time.
When my complaint list gets too long I get really negative. That’s when I know it’s time to start unwinding from my complaints so I can feel more peaceful. To help me unwind I like to turn to a very simple coaching question:
What is the area of least satisfaction in your life?
In my coach training through Martha Beck, Inc I was taught to open my coaching calls by asking that question or a variation like: “What is the worst part of your life?” “What sucks?”
Sometimes we walk around with a mile-long list of complaints against life. Other times we don’t have a specific problem but have more of a global feeling that nothing is going right. You could tell yourself “my whole life is terrible”, “nothing feels right”, “everything is going wrong”.
I like this question because when you stop to consider the answer, it cuts through both the long list of specific complaints and the more global argument with life. It triages the waterfall of irritation into what is really the absolute worst. And it focuses your attention on what is causing the most suffering in this moment.
That’s important, because when you know what’s feels like the worst part of your life, you can make changes that really make a difference for you. And, if you’re paying a coach or therapist to help you, it makes so much more sense emotionally and financially, to go to the heart of your suffering and get right to work.
This question is like a medical triage. If someone is bleeding profusely from their leg, you’re not going to splint a broken pinky finger first. You’re going to stop the bleeding before you worry about broken bones.
When I work with someone in a coaching session, after we figure out what the area of least satisfaction is, I ask questions and give my perspective to help them get insights and make an action plan to work with the problem. In some sessions, the complaint dissolves right before our eyes. Sometimes what felt hopeless feels hopeful by the end. And in some calls we slog our way through and only move the needle a little bit.
The idea of triaging the area of least satisfaction is not necessarily to make it go away entirely (though it’s nice when it does) but to make progress. The intention is that what felt absolutely terrible in the beginning feels not as bad when we’re through.
You could think of the way the problem makes you feel as being scored on a scale of 1 - 10. Scoring one means it feels horrible and ten is totally blissful. If we can take something that felt like a 2 and move it to a 5 or 6 in an hours’ time then you get some relief. Your quality of life gets better because you are not suffering as much. If that problem stays strong on the list of complaints, we can address it again and again as many times as we need to until we will find the many layers and nuances of it. And it will finally move off the list.
I have seen this happen over and over both with my coaching clients and with myself. In fact, when clients start to show up with very little left to complain about, I know it’s time for them to graduate.
I offer you this question as a tool for getting clear when the waters of your mind feel negative and murky. Not as a tool to beat yourself up and to make things worse. When you ask “what is the area of least satisfaction in my life” and are honest with your answer, you may be surprised by what you learn. It’s up to you what you do about it.
I believe in coaching, therapy, support groups and general supervision when life is hard and I can’t get perspective. But, you may not need to go to someone else to help you work with your area of least satisfaction.
You have the best guide possible with you all the time: your Heart. If you can get quiet enough to listen and brave enough to trust it your Heart will always guide you to solutions that bring you the most peace, joy, and health possible.
(sometimes that means bringing you to just the right teacher, coach, therapist or support group)
Contemplation: What is the area of least satisfaction in your life? How is your Heart asking you to respond to this area?
Note: The area of least satisfaction in your life can be something that is beyond your ability to work with on your own right now. If asking this question makes you aware of something that is extremely difficult (addiction, mental illness, unsafe living environment etc) I strongly urge you to reach beyond yourself for support. You do not have to put this all on your own heart, you do not have to do this alone.
If you’d like some support making improvements around the area of least satisfaction in your life, I’m here. I especially love working with women to bring more creativity and flow back into their lives. And helping my clients find more space and peace in their lives. If you’re interested in setting up a meet and greet call and finding out more about coaching. Use this form to send me a note.