Journey to Authenticity
What’s your regular anxiety dream?
When I first started teaching yoga I had two. In the first dream, I’m teaching class. Then my teacher walks in and takes a seat in the back of the room. About halfway through he starts interrupting me, telling me all the things I’m doing wrong, and correcting what I’m saying. So, that was a fun one.
In the second dream I go in to teach, but no matter what I say, the students won’t do what I’m asking. Instead they’re walking around, talking to each other, and completely ignoring me. I’d wake up completely frustrated and doubting myself.
I think what these dreams were pointing to was my feelings of inauthenticity as a yoga teacher. When I was new at this I always felt like I had to hide the gaps in my knowledge. I had to act like I had the answer to every question - even when I didn’t. And like I could solve every issue that came up for students - though of course I couldn’t.
Along with hiding the gaps I also thought I had something to prove. I thought my students needed me to be perfect. And I thought I had to earn my place at the front of the room.
I was stuck. Always trying to prove myself - always having to hide what I thought was lacking.
STUCK TRYING TO PROVE OR HIDE YOURSELF
The problem with being stuck hiding and proving yourself is that you’re never real. You end up feeling fake and inauthentic. Unfortunately being fake tears you down. Over time you undermine your own confidence. Eventually, if you don’t change, you become a caricature, an image, of who you’re trying to be instead of being the authentic version of yourself.
When I mentor new yoga teachers I see this all the time. One example is “Jess”. She’d just graduated yoga teacher training. She thought she had to be exactly like the teachers she’d been learning from. She wanted to impress her students to prove that she was worthy of being the teacher. But that made her so nervous that she also tried to hide her perceived weaknesses. She doubted herself and the skills she DID have. Unfortunately, she felt like an anxious wreck each week instead of a centered teacher. And her story isn’t uncommon. I know a lot of new teachers who quit before they’d even been teaching a year just because they wouldn’t let themselves be authentic.
TIME FOR AUTHENTICITY
What’s needed instead of hiding or trying to prove yourself is being Authentic. Authenticity is the mid-point where you have nothing to prove and nothing to hide. It is a wide open and confident way of meeting the world. And yes, it can feel vulnerable too, but it’s extremely REAL (like we talked about a few weeks ago). The more you can learn to stop hiding or proving yourself the more you’ll step into authenticity.
As you embrace your own authenticity, feelings of being fake or like you’re putting on an act fall away. What you’re able to do instead is dive in deep to whatever you’re doing. If you’re a yoga teacher you dive deep into planning and leading your classes in the way that is authentic to YOU! If you’re a yoga student you get to practice in a way that true to how you’re feeling that day. Writers get to write without censorship. Parents get to parent in ways that go against “expert” advice. The task before you, gets the real you, and becomes something you can feel good about.
Dialing down the fake and dialing up Authenticity gives you a quality of centeredness that you’ll never feel if you’re always trying hide or prove something about yourself. It also lets you relax a lot more. You don’t have to know the answer to every question. You can offer from what you DO have, who you ARE.
You’re not a caricature anymore. Now you’re the real deal. Which is probably what you’ve wanted to be all along.
JOURNEY TO AUTHENTICITY
The move into more authenticity takes noticing and practicing.
First, pay attention to those times when you feel like you want to hide something or when you want to prove yourself unnecessarily. This makes your in-authenticity conscious - and probably more unbearable. You should know, it can be eye-opening to realize how often you put on a facade for others, so don’t beat yourself up about it. The task at first is just to notice it happening.
Second, interrupt yourself when you start hiding or proving. Instead of that, pause, feel the vulnerability and choose authenticity. Say what you thought you needed to keep to yourself. Hold back on inflating yourself and admit your limited knowledge or skill.
These two steps: Noticing and interrupting the pattern are how you’ll make conscious change from being inauthentic into being more authentic. It’s a process that will shift you, not something that you’ll do once and be finished with. And I have to say, this can be pretty tough if you don’t have someone supporting you and holding you accountable. A good coach can make a big difference when you’re shifting into authenticity.
SHIFTING INTO IT
My shift as a yoga teacher came when I taught in my own studio for a few years. Without anyone looking over my shoulder I learned to trust my own instincts and allow myself to be authentic - not perfect. I grew a small but extremely loyal following in those years. But more importantly, I grew my confidence as a yoga teacher. That confidence goes with me wherever I teach.
And what about “Jess”? Through conversations with me and a lot of practice she’s been able to focus more on her skills than on what she thinks she’s lacking. WIth that she’s letting her facade down more and more. Of course, her students love it!
I know you can do it - and I know it’s worth it. Over the years as I’ve noticed and interrupted my own patterns of inauthenticity I’ve grown my relationships, gained more skill and trust as a teacher, and felt more at peace with the world and my place in it. The anxious exhaustion of trying to be someone I wasn’t dropped away. I’m more energized. All of it leads to feelings of calm confidence. It’s confidence that’s based in me being totally comfortable being me.
And that’s what I know you can have as well. It’s time to drop the show. Pull back the curtain, be bold, and be authentically YOU!
A note: It’s in my head that I “came up” with this “Nothing to prove / Nothing to hide = Authenticity” equation. But I have a feeling I read it somewhere and forgot. I’m betting it’s Brene Brown. So if that’s the case, my apologies to professor Brown, and please let me know so I can credit the work