That Awkward Event
Photo by Anton Sukhinov on Unsplash
I changed clothes at least five times before I settled on an outfit that felt somewhat acceptable for Back to School night a few years ago. As we wandered in between the parents of my daughter’s classmates I still felt uncomfortable. Everyone else seemed to know exactly what to wear. I was picking at my shirt wishing I’d chosen something else. Everyone else seemed to already be close friends. I was standing by the sidelines wondering what I’d say if someone spoke to me. Everyone else seemed like they were enjoying themselves as they mingled. I was counting the minutes before I could drive home and get in bed.
I used to never feel comfortable going to events like that. I love our schools, but going there used to make my skin crawl. I was anxious the whole time, worrying I’d be socially awkward. I felt disconnected from the other parents and the larger school community. I wished the school could figure out how to make it more comfortable for people.
THIS EVENT MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL
I know I’m not the only one who’s felt awkward going into a situation like that. Many of us feel uncomfortable or self-conscious in social situations. It’s even more noticeable in places where we’re supposed to be part of a “community”, but we don’t feel strongly connected to anyone.
A lot of us think that if the environment were different we’d feel more comfortable in awkward situations. We think that if the other people were nicer and reached out, then we’d feel better. Or if they could handle Back-to-School in a way that was quieter or had fewer people then it’d be easier to navigate. Maybe we think the problem of comfortability could be solved by adding name tags…. or taking name tags away…. or asking everyone to show up in a costume… or never to show up in a costume. There are a million different ideas about what could help us feel more comfortable coming together. And there are a million things that actually could work …to a degree. But they aren’t the secret to staying comfortable in your skin in tricky situations.
COMFORTABLE IN YOUR SKIN
The thing that will work every time is getting comfortable with yourself before you even step out your front door. That means, instead of expecting the environment to make you comfortable in your skin - do it for yourself. If you can be at ease in yourself, you can carry that anywhere. Then, yes, you may still have some social anxiety sometimes, but it won’t hold you back.
I know this first hand because after a year of studying mindfulness with my teacher I attended another Back-to-School night. I was already in the classroom chatting with a few other parents before I realized I hadn’t even thought about my outfit. I felt centered and at ease within myself and suddenly I wondered why I’d been so worried about these things in the past. It was a clear example of being so comfortable in my own skin that even the weirdness of a school “community” event didn’t faze me.
So how did I go from being super anxious to being super chill? It was a process of becoming more comfortable in my skin through simple grounding and connecting practices.
PRACTICE THIS
The next time you feel uncomfortable in a social environment notice that you’re probably disconnecting from yourself. You’ve jumped out of your skin and you’ve got to get back in.
Pause and feel your feet on the ground or your bum in your seat. Notice that you are supported and release your weight into the Earth. Let yourself be a bit heavier. That will help you feel grounded.
Notice your breath. You don’t have to make it any deeper, just bring your attention from your busy mind to the present moment movement of your breath.
Gently clasp your hands and feel the warmth between your palms. Notice if you’re clenching them and soften into a lighter touch. Soften your jaw too.
Look out at the world, talk with other folks around and at the same time feel the ground, notice your breath, or feel the warmth between your hands.
What’s happening here is that you’re grounding yourself back in your body. Grounding in your body and in the moment (by noticing your breath) helps uncomfortable feelings move into the background. And it helps restore you to more comfort and ease within yourself.
Doing simple grounding practices when you’re already uncomfortable is hard. So I suggest that you try this on your own at a time when you’re already feeling pretty chill. Make it a regular practice under easy conditions. Then when things get harder you’ll already have these things wired in to fall back on.
CARRY IT WITH YOU
The gift of getting grounded and present is that you can do it anywhere. You never have to rely on the environment or the other people around you to make you comfortable. You can do it for yourself. Feeling comfortable in yourself comes from the inside. No one outside can help you. But if you practice coming back to yourself over and over it gets easier. In time you’ll find that you can let go of worry and self consciousness and learn to enjoy being in the skin you’re in, no matter where you are.