Come Out of Hiding
This week I’m talking to my friends who’ve gotten good at hiding in their lives. I’ll use yoga as an example, but it could happen in any community activity. So picture this…
In Pre-COVID days, when you could go to public class, you walked in honestly wanting to make friends with the other students. But instead of joining a conversation nearby, you bit your tongue. Then you rolled out your mat in the back row, hoping the teacher and other students wouldn’t notice you. But deep in your heart you really wished they’d invite you into the conversation. You were stuck playing the role of the serene yoga practitioner to “fit in”, all the while hoping to quit hiding and be more of yourself in class.
I saw it pretty often when I taught public classes. I mean, I did it pretty often in the beginning of my yoga studentship. Honestly, I was good at it until I realized I didn’t want to do it anymore. I call it hiding in plain sight.
HIDING
A lot of people try to hide in plain sight. Hiding happens when you dim yourself down and hold back your real thoughts, feelings, and personality. Hiding keeps your magic under wraps and has you playing safe when you don’t really need to.
Hiding doesn’t just happen in yoga classes. You could be hiding at your virtual book group or knitting circle. Maybe you hide at work. Or you hide at home with your sweetheart and extended family. My bet is, if you’re hiding in one part of your life, you’re hiding in others.
WHY YOU’RE HIDING AND WHAT IT COSTS YOU
One reason people hide from the world is that they have a strong inner critic. The inner critic is the voice in your head that always has something negative to say about you.
If you tend to hide, your inner critic is probably full of judgements like: “I’m so weird” “I’m different from everybody” “I don’t fit in” “I don’t measure up”. On top of that, it may keep a running list of your faults like: “I’m not smart enough” “I can’t do that” “I’m too old/young” “I’m too slow” “I’m not perfect yet” Obviously, your inner critic is distorted.
If you listen to that crap all day long of course you’re gonna to want to hide. Those kinds of thoughts make you miserable. They drag your self-esteem down. They keep you feeling negative, sad, and on edge. It’s reasonable that you’d hide yourself to keep other people from seeing the things your inner critic sees.
TRYING NOT TO HIDE DOESN’T WORK
If you’re like some of my coaching clients, you may think that the way to stop hiding is to force yourself to “Be Authentic” no matter how uncomfortable it feels.. Unfortunately this rarely works. Folks end up stuck, tongue-tied and frustrated when authenticity doesn’t come flowing out. That fuels the inner critic which makes people want to hide even more.
The problem isn’t the impulse to come out of hiding. It’s that you’ve missed a step along the way
THE MISSING STEP
Before you can stop hiding from the world, you need to stop hiding from yourself.
To stop hiding from yourself, you have to look beyond your inner critic to see yourself more clearly.
You have unique interests. You have unique struggles. You have a unique vision for the world. When is the last time you saw yourself clearly, not through the distortion of the inner critic? Seeing clearly lets you drop negativity and self-judgement so that you can relax and just be you. Wouldn’t that be nice?
That’s why, the first step in coming out of hiding is seeing yourself -your life, your interests, your challenges, your emotions, your personality - clearly and with kindness. If you can do that, it’ll be a lot easier to be yourself with other people.
WHO ARE YOU?
Here are a few journal prompts designed to help you see yourself more clearly. Take some time, answer these questions as honestly as possible. Know that this is totally for YOU. There’s no need to share the answers with anyone.
What are you currently interested in? and why?
What is one thing you like about yourself as a person?
What is something you’d like to change about yourself?
What is something you’ve struggled with during your life?
What emotion are you experiencing in this moment?
When do you feel most relaxed?
This may seem like a simple exercise, and it is. But don’t be surprised if it’s more uncomfortable than you expect. The inner critic gets really loud when you try to see yourself clearly.
Your job is to turn away from the critic, and towards the truth. The truth is that you are a multifaceted human being with challenges AND beauty. The more honestly you can claim who you are, the easier it will be to come out of hiding in the future.
START AT THE BEGINNING
Revealing who you are to yourself is the first step in coming out of hiding. The more fully you know and accept who you are the more comfortable you’ll feel in your own skin. That kind of comfort leads to experiencing more moments of peace, calm and groundedness. It keeps you centered so that when it’s time to come out of hiding around other people you’re ready.
Start with not hiding from yourself, let me know how it goes. Next week we’ll talk about how to come out of hiding with other people.
Want to read more about how to work with your inner critic? Check out this post from last fall.