Don’t Let Everybody Tell you What to do
A few weeks ago as I carried the basket of clean laundry up two flights of stairs, I didn’t shut the door to the laundry room. I knew I didn’t do it. And I didn’t go back, because, ugh, I was already taking care of the laundry, and I just didn’t want to walk all the way back down to the basement.
Well, an hour later my husband came in and very kindly reminded me to shut the door to the laundry room. I’d like to tell you I said: “Sure, no problem” But I didn’t. Instead, I bristled like a porcupine! He rarely asks me for anything, and couldn’t have said it in a nicer way but, my jaw clenched, I felt fire in my veins, and I wanted to scream back something very rude. (Which, thank goodness, I did not do.)
My reaction was a bit strong for such a simple ask. That’s how I know that it had nothing to do with the stupid door. (Yes. I’ll gladly shut the door next time.) No, this had EVERYTHING to do with him telling me what to do.
WHO TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO?
Why is it that when someone we know tells us face-to-face to do something we get angry but we’re totally willing to allow the rest of the world to tell us what to do all the time?
Here’s what I mean. Every time you hold yourself back because you’re worried about how others will react, you’re letting someone tell you what to do. This includes everything from stopping yourself from dressing how you want to dress, posting something on social media, sharing an idea at work, or parenting in your own way. Every time you stop yourself because of others’ opinions, you’re letting them tell you what’s ok for you.
You probably don’t even realize you’re doing it, because there isn’t someone physically there you telling you what to do or not to do. But if someone was saying: “you can’t wear that” or “you have to put your baby to bed at 6:30pm, that’s the only way.” You’d probably prickle just like I did with my husband.
There doesn’t have to be someone in the room telling you what is ok or not ok, for you to hold back. That’s because of what Martha Beck PhD calls your everybody. In her book, Finding your Own North Star, Beck describes your everybody as the attitudes and opinions of a few key people in your life that your mind takes and extrapolates into the belief that everybody in the world thinks the same way. Your mind wants to keep you safe and fitting in. It thinks that the best way todo that is to make sure not to upset everybody. But of course, it can’t please all 8 billion people on the planet, so it makes this little group of everybody to keep things simple.
WHEN EVERYBODY IS A PROBLEM
On the whole, having an everybody isn’t actually a problem. You belong to humanity, you’re going to come across other people. You are hardwired to make connections so that you can feel love and belonging. And it’s important that you care about them. All of that is useful for getting through life.
The problem comes in when you let your everybody run your life without your consent. If you’re constantly holding back, playing safe to make your everybody happy you’ll feel miserable. You’ll never be able to win because the reality is: you can’t make everybody happy. That goes for your inner everybody and the live human everybody. Instead of feeling alive, you’ll get caught forever in a game of people pleasing. As you do, your magic will dim and your true self will slink further into the background. You become a shell of who you could be.
WHAT TO DO WHEN EVERYBODY GETS LOUD:
If you notice that your everybody is holding you back from doing something your true self wants to do, try this:
Imagine a real person standing in front of you telling what to do in this situation.
It helps if you pick someone who you don’t particularly care for or wouldn’t take advice from.
Notice your response to having that person tell you what to do.
It probably sucks, and makes you want to do things your own way, maybe with a few choice words to say about it
Take the bold step - Do it anyway.
(If you can’t bring yourself to do the whole thing, then can you do part of it?)
Any degree of doing it anyway, will quiet your everybody, and land you deeper in your true self.
WHAT WILL EVERYBODY SAY?
I’d love to tell you this will be easy and your friends will cheer for you. But that’s probably not true. Folks around you will react and not always kindly. They count on you not to be bold so when you do things your own way, it freaks them out. They may let you know in any number of ways: telling you you’re wrong, looking at you funny, pointedly ignoring you, or tearing you down. If you’re honest, it’s probably the fear of those reactions that keep you from playing big already.
It’s time to ask yourself how long you’re willing to let your everybody run your life.
IT’S ABOUT YOU
This is about YOU claiming your embodied experience in this life. It’s not about what everybody else thinks about it. You don’t get another chance to be yourself, this life is it. Who do you want in charge?
The more you follow your inner guidance instead of your everybody the more you’ll land in the center of your life. The more powerful, confident and embodied you’ll feel. Over time, as you leave your everybody behind, you’ll also build the confidence to take bigger and bigger risks. You’ll start being playing bigger and bolder. And that’s when your magic starts to shine.