Becoming Real
Photo by Gary Bendig on Unsplash
We were standing under bright florescent lights in the basement of the hospital when the doctor gave us the diagnosis. After trips to the ER and a few nights in the hospital already, we finally had an unwelcome answer to my daughter’s health challenges.
That powerful moment held within it an invitation to become Real….
Do you know the very famous quote from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams?
In the story, the Velveteen Rabbit knows that he is a child’s plaything, but deeply longs to be a real rabbit. Late one night he asks an older toy, the Skin Horse, how to be real.
Here’s the quote:
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you.When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes” said the Skin Horse for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
When we read that, it touches a truth that we all recognize: life is hard and it’s going to take something out of you. At the same time, if accompanied by love, life will make you into a Real person. A Real person possesses an inner beauty that is undeniable. Many of us desire the kind of Realness the Skin Horse describes. It sounds great to have life work on you and to come out Real on the other side.
NOT SO ROMANTIC
That’s where the romance stops though. Most of us are extremely under-prepared for the process of becoming Real. Our culture celebrates being put together, not showing emotion (or toxic positivity), hustle, pressing forward no matter what, and always projecting perfection. Unfortunately, none of that is actually Real. And none of the skills that hold up those things help you when life brings Realness to your door.
The moment the diagnosis comes, the instant the betrayal is made known, the second when time stands still and life flips over — that’s when shit gets very REAL. Now life is pulling at your seams, and you may question whether real-ness is something you really want.
YOUR OPTIONS
When life gets Real you don’t have a say in it. You don’t have control. But you do have options.
One option is to resist, deny, and argue with what’s real. It feels like you’re doing something about it. It feels like it may be possible to push this horrible thing away. Like, maybe if you argue loud enough, it won’t happen. It takes a lot of energy which is good because you may have angry, scared, heartbroken energy to burn. But it doesn’t change anything. And it doesn’t help anything. In the end you’ll be left stuck with your exhaustion. You can stay stuck there forever or choose the only other option.
The other option is to allow what is happening to make you Real. This is the moment when you can become as Real as the circumstances you are facing. Instead of pushing away, you allow. You open, accept, and honor that life is now taking you in a different direction. The opening doesn’t usually feel good. The acceptance may come with tears and rage. The honoring may feel like cutting your own umbilical cord. Like the Skin Horse tells the Rabbit - your soft fur must be rubbed off. But if you can actually do this thing - meet life with authenticity - instead of turning away from it, you’ll be transformed. You’ll become Real.
If all of that is making you question how much you want to be like The Velveteen Rabbit, I think that’s a good thing. It doesn’t really sound so great to walk head-on into heartbreak, pain, or grief while not fighting against it. But, I’m telling you, it’s the only way you’ll get out of this life Real.
BECOMING REAL BEFORE YOU HAVE TO
There are ways to practice before the big moments come for you.
Each time you come to your yoga mat you have the option to be real or to resist. A pose comes up that you don’t like, or your body feels uncomfortable today. You have the option to skip the pose. You could not practice today. Or, you can practice being with what you don’t like without mentally arguing about it. And you can come to your mat when you’re not at “your best”, allowing the practice to pull at the seams that keep you together. Over time, asana practice can pull away whatever isn’t Real within you - all that will be left is truth.
You could choose to practice by sitting for meditation. Yes, your back will hurt or your knee will complain. Your mind never shuts up…. like, ever. And you can practice not letting that stop you from meditating each day. You could try not pushing away the thoughts that torment you. Let them go, and allow your breath to move too.
Maybe it’s a creative pursuit that will help you become Real. Returning to your writing even when your mind tells you it sucks. Coming back to your knitting needles though you forgot the pattern you were working on. Picking up paint brushes and meeting yourself on the canvas when you’d rather zone out with Netflix is a way to meet Real ness.
And, life is full of smaller moments when you could choose to be Real or to push away. Maybe a friend says something that hurts your feelings - you can be Real and tell her about it. Someone near you is being racist - you can be Real and speak up. Your toddler is singing at the top of her lungs in the car - Real is not resisting, but letting her sing AND letting yourself feel the annoyance without pushing away from that either.
The biggest secret that softens life hardest blows is having a circle, or a trusted mentor to help you as you become Real. In the presence of other Real beings, it’s easier to be Real. Get with that person or community that will hold you as you become. These are the ones who listen to your wails of lament without trying to change them. They are the people who turn you back towards your fires rather than telling you to hide from them. In a circle, becoming Real is made softer because you don’t have to do it by yourself, everyone holds the challenges for each other, and all is made lighter. Stay close. Let Realness rub away anything that is untrue inside you.
REAL YOU
I offer this, not to be a downer, but to be honest with you. If you want to be the Real you, you need to know what comes with it, and it’s not always romantic. Hair is rubbed off. Your eyes will be missing and seams get pulled loose. A Real life is one that includes heartbreaks (plural, unfortunately). Daunting as that may seem, I think it’s the only way to go because a Real life also includes Love.
I invite you to step away from that fight you’re in, and allow yourself to be breathed. Soften the contraction in your body and let resistance diminish (and do it again, because it’ll come back). Look to the life that is right before you with eyes of welcome even if tears stream down your cheeks. And know that all of this, not just the things that are happening, but your willingness to meet them with consciousness, is making you Real.
If you’ll let that happen, I want to invite you closer. The only people I’m interested in these days are the Real ones. I want to know the Real you - the one who can sit with heartbreak, deal with being uncomfortable, and comes out the other side with nothing to hide or prove. That is the Real person I want around my fire when life feels chilly.
That is the one I know each of us can become.