When You Just Can't Get Started
(Photo by Mark McGregor on Unsplash)
All through the pandemic I told myself I could workout at home. I had the know-how. I had the desire to keep moving. I like to sweat and feel strong in my body. I even had small dumbbells and an exercise ball. I could easily workout at home.
And all through the pandemic I didn’t workout at home.
I’d look at the equipment and sigh. I’d tell myself to do it in the morning. The morning would come and I’d sit on the couch watching YouTube with my kids. Whenever it came time to actually DO it, I just wouldn’t. I had all sorts of reasons, but mostly I just didn’t feel like it.
I wanted to workout. But I still didn’t do it.
CAN’T GET STARTED
I work with a lot of women in my coaching practice who are trying to start new habits. They want to do things like start meditating, have a home yoga practice, create a morning ritual, or regularly spend 10 minutes consciously connecting with their kids. And most of these women have a hard time starting their new habit. Then they beat themselves up for it. Soon, just because they didn’t start that new habit they see themselves as an utter failure.
But, I see things differently.
THE RIVER OF YES & THE RIVER OF NO
Let me introduce you to the two rivers.
The first river is crystal clear. It starts high in the mountains and is fresh and clean. Cold too, but invigorating. Sometimes this river winds sweetly through the landscape. It tickles the shore as it meanders along. Sometimes it drops over stunning falls and rushes through steep canyons, bouncing off of boulders in it’s path. This river has never been dammed. Eventually it winds all the way to the sea in a rush of sweetness and ease. This is the River of Yes.
The second river runs alongside the first one, but it’s completely different. You can’t see to the bottom of this river, it’s too muddy. This river is full of silt and debris, cast off items from old floods and pollution from civilization coming too close and taking too much. This river almost never flows, instead it pools in eddies. It swirls slowly around itself. If it does move, it seems to go upstream rather than down. There are dams along this river that stop it from going anywhere. And where it would empty into the sea is now mostly clogged. Occasionally, if there’s a big rain some water makes it’s way through the debris into the ocean. This is the River of No.
Between the two rivers is sometimes a narrow slip of land. Other times miles separate them. Occasionally there’s a dock that stretches across the land into each of the rivers. Ladders drop from the dock into the water on either side - but that’s infrequent. You’re lucky if you find one.
WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO START SOMETHING
Whenever you set out to do something new it’s like you’re standing on the land between the rivers. You’ll feel the strong current of YES - inviting you to come out to sea. It’s enticing and exciting. It seems easy, but that’s because you’ve forgotten the River of No is right there too. When it’s time to start the new habit, it turns out that the River of No has flooded it’s banks and already has hold of your ankles. It’s harder than you thought it would be to get to the River of Yes. You might fight through the flood a few times and hop in the River of Yes. The habit gets started. But every day is new and you’re standing on the banks again up to your knees in No. Soon it’s easier to stay in the River of No than to look for a way to cross into Yes. This is particularly true if you came to the River of Yes at a place of waterfalls or strong rapids. If you don’t feel confident navigating all of that whitewater, the River of No will seem a lot safer. No matter what it costs you.
NOTHING’S WRONG WITH YOU
The women I work with encounter the River of No and think there’s something wrong. They think they don’t have motivation. They think they’re lacking will power. The more they tell themselves these stories the more the River of No takes hold and drags them under. I see it all the time. Frankly, I’ve spent lots of time treading water in the River of No.
What they don’t understand is that the River of No is a natural phenomenon. It comes up every single time you start to make plans for change. There’s nothing going wrong here, in fact, if the River of No is showing up, you’re probably headed in a positive direction. The River of No is a natural force like gravity or inertia. Like most things that slow you down, it’s trying to keep you safe by not letting you venture too far from the known. The River of No is mostly a habit, and habits can change.
RESISTANCE
Another name for the River of No is: Resistance.
If you want to start a new habit you don’t have to go looking for motivation, you just have to get good at dealing with Resistance.
The first thing is to know that it’s coming. If you set out to change, resistance is going to show up too. That means, there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t feel like getting started on your new habit. Resistance shows up immediately and will hold on as long as it possibly can. That means that in the beginning of a new habit, your task is less ‘do the habit’ and more ‘be stronger than your resistance’. You gotta jump out of the River of No and into the River of Yes… and you gotta do it over and over again (even though it’s freezing in there!!!)
HOW TO GET TO THE RIVER OF YES
Here are some tips that can help you move from No to Yes more quickly:
Make it Easy - the less room between rivers the better. If you plan to meditate first thing in the morning, put out your meditation cushion before you go to bed. That way you can tumble onto it and get started. Resistance has less room to catch you
Start Small - A bigger task generates bigger resistance. By starting small you build in the habit of doing the thing while dealing with less resistance. You can always grow it over time. So, if you eventually want to exercise for an hour a day - start with 10 minutes and build up. As your momentum grows, resistance will shrink (though probably never disappear)
Remember Your Intention - Why are you doing this? If you can connect with what inspired you in the first place, your mind gets into the River of Yes. It’s a lot easier to get started if you’re already flowing in your mind. Resistance doesn’t have a chance
Acknowledge Your Fears - It’s normal to feel scared when you’re starting something new. Fear is one of resistance’s favorite disguises. Sometimes just acknowledging that you’re afraid is enough to help you move into the River of Yes. Sometimes you’ll need to talk it through with a coach or friend. The main thing is not to let fear be a dam in your river. Get help if you need it so that you can get flowing again.
Expect Resistance - It’s going to be there. When you feel it, name it. It may help if you talk to it and thank it for being there. But then get on with your new habit.
Starting with small easy steps and a clear intention can help you deal with resistance when it inevitably arises. That’s good because, as long as you’re aiming for the River of Yes, there’s going to be some River of No right beside it. I’ve been meditating for 11 years and I still fight it sometimes. The point isn’t to get the River of No to go away, it’s just to recognize it and get skillful at dealing with it.
BEYOND RESISTANCE
That’s what happened with me and working out at home. At the new year something shifted inside. I saw that I’d been swimming in the River of No for way too long. I wasn’t willing to stay stuck anymore. I made a simple plan for myself and got started. Every time I get ready to exercise at home, resistance comes too. But now I give it a nod, put in my headphones and get started. Once I’m started I’m good. It’s been almost 2 months now and I can feel my strength coming back. It feels great. I’m physically strong but I’m also super mentally strong. And that mental strength comes from beating resistance so that I can swim in the River of Yes.
You can build the mental strength to move beyond your resistance. With intention and practice it’s possible for you too. (A friend or coach cheering you on doesn’t hurt either). Getting skilled at jumping from the River of No to the River of Yes will change everything. If you can do that, nothing can stop you! When you get into the River of Yes life is a wild ride. It’s magic. It’s flowing It’s YOU!