Say Yes to All of You
Remember the two rivers from last week’s note? Within you there flows a River of Yes and a River of No. At any moment you can be in either river - moving towards life in the River of Yes, or resisting life in the River of No. Well, those two rivers don’t just show up around things you want to do, they also show up in your relationship with yourself.
There are parts of yourself that you like. Those things that you enjoy about yourself you say YES to. Things like your generosity, humor, or playfulness… your charm and kindness tend to flow in the Yes river. But there are other parts you don’t love so much. The parts of you that can be negative, stingy, vindictive, or jealous… your perfectionism and constant comparison. These are the things that tend to stay in the river of No. And you’ll tend to push away from them.
This is totally normal. We all have parts of ourselves that we like and parts that we don’t like. That’s not a problem. The problem is that when you push against those parts that you don’t like, you alienate yourself from yourself. You’ll lose touch with those parts of you. And unfortunately, you’re not just going to push away from those parts, you’ll also try to hide them from others. So you end up limiting the range of who you can be, both privately and in the world. The more you feel like you need to hide, the less confident you’ll feel. By saying no to parts of yourself, you degrade your confidence.
SAY YES TO YOU
The answer is to stop pushing away and start embracing. That means saying YES to all parts of you, even those ones you don’t like. This is a practice of Radical Affirmation. Radical Affirmation means affirming (saying yes to) all of life. EVERY.THING. Within you, it means that when your perfectionism shows up, you say: “Yes, perfectionism is here”. When negativity and comparison are running your mind you say: “Yes, I’m being negative and I’m comparing myself with others”. Even when you lose your temper and yell at your kids you still affirm yourself by saying “Yes, I can be temperamental and treat people unkindly.” No matter what shows up you affirm it. You say YES.
Now, here’s the hard part…. Once you’ve said yes, what you don’t do is judge, shame, or degrade yourself. Notice that the response to perfectionism isn’t ‘Yes, perfectionism is here… I shouldn’t be this way.” It’s just “Yes, perfectionism is here.” And saying “Yes, I treated people unkindly” doesn’t mean you get to call yourself a terrible person because of it. No. The first step is saying YES. And stopping there. No judgement, shame, or other admonition is necessary. Radical Affirmation invites you to say YES to every bit of yourself without judgement or shame. That’s why it’s a radical practice.
Here are some examples:
If you’re a yoga student you get a lot of chances to practice Radical Affirmation. It could be that you try a pose and you fall down. Practice saying yes to falling. Your hamstrings could be extremely tight and no matter how many forward folds you practice they won’t open. Practice saying yes to tight hamstrings. Or you just can’t seem to get your legs over your head in a handstand. You get to Radically Affirm the challenge and the fact that you may never do a handstand. When you radically affirm yourself on your yoga mat, the limitations of your body or practice aren’t a problem. They’re just what you’re experiencing at that moment.
Or if you’re a yoga teacher you’ve got plenty to work with too: You didn’t deliver the cues in the way you wanted? Say Yes. Your sequence didn’t work out and everyone got confused? Say Yes. Your class numbers are low and you don’t know why? Say Yes. Your body feels uncomfortable and you’re wishing you didn’t have to stand up in front of people today? Again, say Yes.
As you can see in these examples, you probably won’t like what you say yes to. You don’t have to like things to say yes to them. Liking them isn’t the point, coming into a compassionate and loving relationship with them is the point. The idea is to say Yes to the life that is right before and within you. When you do, you’re in Radical Affirmation. As you say yes to life, life will say yes to you.
YOU CAN STILL CHANGE
{{This is important… I get a lot of pushback when I teach Radical Affirmation because folks think that when they say yes to something that means they aren’t allowed to change it. That’s not true. Saying yes is simply acknowledging that that part of you exists. It isn’t saying that you also want it to continue to exist in it’s present form.
So, if your perfectionism is causing trouble, you definitely get to work with it. First you say “yes, perfectionism is here” (no judgement necessary) then you decide what to do about it. Radical Affirmation doesn’t mean say yes and then leave things as they are if things aren’t going well. Radical affirmation often means saying “yes this exists” and then saying “how am I going to work with it to help it shift?” So in the falling over in your yoga practice example, that student can say “yes, I fell over in that pose last time…. so I’m going to hold onto the wall this time so that I stay on my feet.” Radical Affirmation is a starting point, not an ending point. }}
MORE HUMAN, MORE CONFIDENT
When you start to practice Radical Affirmation you’ll notice a shift. You’ll start to see yourself as…. human. You’re not a robot, you’re a normal human being who has ups and downs. Ups and downs are ok, you don’t have to be perfect all the time. As you Radically Affirm all parts of you, you’ll feel more comfortable sharing more of yourself with the world. In fact, your confidence will grow dramatically when you stop trying to hide who you are and start embracing who you are, even when you’re at your worst. This is deep practice and it can be really hard. But it’s so worth it to be able to feel free to be yourself wherever you are.