Ugh! I Just Don't Want to... (What's going on When you're exhausted and negative)
(dreaming away in New Mexico)
There’s something so liberating about travel. You go somewhere you’ve never been and you explore new landscapes, architecture, vistas, sensations, weather patterns, peoples, tastes and… perhaps most importantly IDEAS.
Last week I travelled to New Mexico with my family. I’d never been. It was high - 7000’ above sea level. It was dry. It was beautiful. It was a different world than the mid-Atlantic one I’ve been in for most of my life. And though I wouldn’t say I absolutely fell in love, I felt a sense of aliveness, alertness, and imagination creep over me while I was there.
Art called my name. The creative impulse sang up from the land inviting me back into writing. Inspiration directed me to start sewing and quilting again when I got home. And Nature beckoned me home. I had big ideas for what to do when I got back.
And then. I got back. Laundry called my name. The grocery store invited me to fill our fridge. Dinners started asking to be made. Kid drop-offs and keeping appointments required driving. And an ill-timed Covid exposure locked us in the house for a few extra days.
All I wanted to do was give my creative self room to play. But life had a lot of other things on it’s to-do list…. things I did NOT want to deal with.
RESISTANCE {Not the good kind!}
That’s when resistance set in. I was exhausted and irritable. I was whining in my head about the chores that needed to be done. The negativity and exhaustion let me know that my resistance had taken hold (again).
Let’s be clear from the beginning…. when I’m talking about resistance in our inner work, I’m not talking about intentionally resisting systems of oppression. In that case, capital ‘R’ Resistance is a healthy response to injustice.
No, I’m talking about the other kind of resistance.
This is the kind where you are in argument with your life. Laundry needs to be done but you “just can’t today.” Kids want to play basketball with you but even though you promised to connect with them, you “just don’t want to.” You know you need to roll out your yoga mat to find your center, but you “don’t feel like it.” That kind of pushing away from your life is inner resistance. You are resisting what life is bringing you.
Resistance is a habit, it’s never conscious. If you consciously say NO to something that’s a choice, it isn’t resistance. Resistance isn’t a choice, it just arises.You can know that you’re unconscious if you’re fighting with your life. Consciousness doesn’t argue with life as it is - it is in deep acceptance, and then makes choices based on what’s happening.
The other way you can recognize resistance is that it’s exhausting. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to fight with your life. So when you find yourself arriving at work and feeling more and more exhausted, you know you’re in resistance. When you start to feel sleepy whenever your child comes asking to go look at bugs for the millionth time - you’re in resistance. If you feel negative for most of your day and you’re exhausted when you get to bed, you’re probably unconscious and resisting. (not in the good way)
LETTING IT GO
So what do you do? Resistance is tricky and like I said, it is very habitual. You can have the best intentions to show up for your kids or be the most enthusiastic employee, but your resistance can take hold swiftly if you’re not paying attention.
Get Conscious
The first thing to do with any unconscious habit is to make it conscious. That doesn’t mean consciously resist your life. It means notice when you’re fighting life. Anytime your brain starts whining “I don’t want to” “this sucks” “I can’t even…” “why do I have to do this” use it to wake up. Become consciously aware that you are fighting your life. Wake up to your resistance.
Soften
The next thing you’ll probably notice when you’re resisting is that you’re tense. Some part of your body will physically push away from life. Maybe it’s in your shoulders, maybe you’re holding tension in your jaw, maybe your belly is tighter than a clenched fist - wherever it is, your next step is to SOFTEN. The tension is part of what makes resistance so exhausting. Softening invites some ease and flow.
Choose
Now that you’re conscious and soft, you can make choices. You may choose to continue to do the thing you were planning to do but without the fight. OR you might choose to do something different entirely. The hope is that you can get into a mental space where the habitual, unconscious resistance can move into the background and you can make conscious intentional choices about how to live your life…. even when you don’t always enjoy the things you need to do.
Repeat
Do it over and over again. You may have to go through this process five times in five minutes or more, but keep at it. Eventually your resistance will subside. And slowly, as you grow your consciousness, the habit of resistances will get weaker.
GET YOUR LIFE BACK
As I navigated my return from vacation this week I shifted my resistance to cooking dinner by making it easier on myself. Once I realized how resistant I was feeling I slowed down, took a few deep breaths and did my best to soften the load. I cooked one night, I asked my husband to cook another night, and we ordered in for another. Dinner happened. And I didn’t fight with my life.
Cooking is a relatively simple example, I know. Resistance to bigger things will take more intention, more attention, and more compassion for yourself as a struggling human. But the process is the same. Notice the resistance, soften, and choose. Dropping resistance gives you your life back. It gives you more energy because you’re not in a constant fight. And it reminds you to wake up to what’s right here in front of you.
“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans” John Lennon said.
Here it is, your life, right in front of you - messy, beautiful, boring, exhilarating, normal, and extraordinary.
Drop your resistance and step right into the heart of it.
Want to read more about working with your resistance? Check out this post from earlier this year for some suggestions.
Need some help getting unstuck? Let’s schedule a connection call to talk about how I could help you.