Stop Beating yourself Up when you Mess Up - What to focus on instead

(Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash)

I’m not quite sure how it started… but by the end I was eating everything in the pantry while bemoaning the fact that I couldn't get anything done.   Over the weekend, it felt like something broke.  All of my positive habits fell apart.  All of my plans went out the window.  By Monday morning I could barely remember what I needed to do for my work or my family.  I felt disoriented and distracted.   I don’t know what caused it, but I was definitely off my routine.  And I wasn’t thrilled about it. 

If you’ve ever tried to make changes in your habits you can probably relate.  You’re going along great, following your schedule, getting things done, keeping your cool when your kids throw fits or your siblings call to complain.  And then, without warning it starts to unravel.  You forget what you’re supposed to be doing. You snap at everyone.  You lose it with your neighbors over something minor.  It’s like a breeze blew through and took away all of your progress, leaving a less evolved version of you in its wake.   Yeah, it happens.  

HABIT CHANGE

A big part of my work is helping people with habit change.  In yoga we work with the body’s habits to move towards alignment.  In coaching we work with mental and behavior habits so that folks can live with more authenticity.  So, I have a lot of experience with helping folks create intentions and try to start something new.  It also means I have a lot of experience supporting people when they find out that it’s not always easy.  Because, well, habit change isn’t always easy.  

The good news is, habit change is possible and sticking with your intentions eventually pays off.   But in the beginning there are a lot of missteps. Often when folks hit a rough patch they come into a coaching call feeling defeated. They’re upset with themselves for messing up.  They beat themselves up for it.  And they feel like they’ll never get over the old habit.  It leaves them feeling stuck.  That’s because they’ve forgotten that all of us have times when we slide into old habits.  It happens to literally EVERYONE.  (and it’s part of the growth process) 

RETURN TIME

The important thing to pay attention to is not whether it happens or not, but how quickly you return from it.  

I call this return time. Return time refers to how long you stay caught in the old way before you can make the switch back into more consciousness. So if you were grumpy and mean with your kids, how long did you stay in that mood before you picked yourself up and made a different choice?   

In the beginning it’s easier to be in the old pattern than the new one.  That means it may take a while before you can turn around and get back to the new habit.  You might need help from a friend, coach, yoga class, or Mother Nature to help change direction.  Eventually you can turn around and get back to the new habit.  The more time you spend in your new habit, the easier it will be to return to it.

Return time is important to pay attention to as you’re making changes. It lets you know that you’re making progress.  As your intentions take root, your return time should shorten.  That’s because the new habits are getting more established and the older ones are getting weaker.  Noticing your return time puts the focus not on the old habit, but on the new one.  It turns you in the direction you want to go in rather than toward the “mistake”.  And, since we know we’ll all have days when it’s difficult to keep to our intentions, measuring return time instead of mess-ups helps you recover faster. If you used to mess up then get stuck beating yourself up for the next four days but now you only stay upset about it for one day, you can notice that you’re actually making progress.   Congratulate yourself for how far you’ve come instead of dwelling in the mistake.    

Looking for return time is a shift of perspective that honors your humanity while acknowledging that you can still change.  Humans make mistakes, it’s inevitable.  How quickly you return is a good measure of your growth.  This is about making progress not about perfection. 

PRACTICE RETURNING

• Consider a simple habit you’re working on  Maybe you want to drink more water this summer, or you’re trying to stay centered when your friends complain, or you want to be more vocal in work meetings.

• Pause when things don’t go how you’d hoped. You usually won’t notice until afterwards and that’s ok. Acknowledge that things didn’t go the way you planned and that you’re human.

• Return.  Instead of lingering in the mistake, set yourself back on track to work on the habit again.  Remember your intention, start over, do what it takes to return.

• Notice how long it takes you to return to the new habit.  With practice and intention it will get easier.

Note: Some things will be harder than others.  It’s easy to drink extra water in the evening when you forgot to drink it in the morning. It’s much more difficult to let go of resentment or irritation that comes up with friends or family.  

It takes real work to truly RETURN, not just act like nothing’s bothering you when you’re still upset inside.  It’s ok if it takes a while or if you need help figuring out how to do that - reach out if you need help. 

Here’s a pretty common example I hear from my yoga teacher friends:  They teach a class that goes well, but afterwards, one student gives negative feedback.  Instead of focusing on all the other students who gave great feedback, the yoga teacher has a habit of focusing on the one student who was unhappy.  Pretty soon they’re down a rabbit hole of self-judgement and diminishment… wondering if they should bother teaching anymore.  The first few times it happens the teacher could be stuck in a pity-party for a week or more.  But as they start noticing that habit of dwelling on the negative they can learn to return. Eventually they’ll brush themselves off, take feedback with grace… and move on knowing that each class is a new opportunity.  The quicker the return time, the less mental suffering they go through and the faster they can get back to teaching great yoga classes.  

It takes practice, but returning is worth it. The more you pay attention to it, the shorter the return time will be. Some of the mental patterns that used to keep me stuck for days have a super quick return time.   They come up for a few seconds, I acknowledge them and they dissipate.   Like this weekend’s little chaos.  It wasn’t fun, but by Monday when I realized I was on track to be distracted and agitated for many days to come I turned the train around.  I cooked myself nourishing food, sat down with my agenda and made a plan to get back on track.  Earlier in my life I might have been out of sorts for an entire week… this time it only lasted a few days. If I keep shortening my return time, in the future it could last only a few hours.     

Whatever you’re working on in your personal growth, it’s going to take some time to sink in.  And even once it does you’ll have some very human moments where things don’t seem to go your way.  It’s normal and it happens to everyone.  Instead of staying stuck and beating yourself up for it, look for a way to turn back around.  Practice getting back up.  Slowly, your return time will shorten and you’ll embody more and more of your authentic self.