Transform your Critic into Kindness
(Fun Patterns on Yoga Pants)
A few years ago, when patterned yoga pants were so popular, it seemed like everyone had cute pants and the outfits to go with them. I felt a little intimidated because fashion isn’t my strong suit and yoga pants went from being utilitarian to being a fashion statement overnight. So, I was excited when I got a pair of fun yoga pants that I really liked. I put them with a yoga tank top, threw a summer tunic overtop and loved my new outfit.
But when I looked in the mirror my inner critic had other thoughts. It said things like: “Who do you think you are?” “You look like you’re trying too hard” “You can’t pull this off” “You look ridiculous”
After telling myself all of that I felt awful; self-conscious and exposed. I was sure that all my yoga friends would laugh at me if I wore it. I was tempted to throw the pants in the back of my closet and forget about them, just because of the way I talked to myself in my head. My inner critic was in high gear!
Inner Critic
We all have an inner critic. It pops up whenever we start to stretch ourselves in new ways. It gets really loud around the things we’ve struggled with in the past. In my case, I was good-naturedly teased for being kind of a mess when I was a very small child and I never felt comfortable in my clothes as a teenager. Those things left a mark. So my inner critic really loves to get after me about my clothes - especially when I try something new.
The challenging thing about the inner critic is that though it’s being harsh and beating you up, it’s intentions are good. Your inner critic is trying to keep you safe. It’s trying to keep you from ridicule or negative attention. It beats you up so that you don’t go out and make a fool of yourself.
It does this because it’s afraid that if you DO make a fool of yourself that you won’t be able to recover. It’s a solid fear because most children don’t know how to recover when they’re teased or make mistakes. But hopefully you’ve grown since then and learned both that it’s possible to survive a little teasing and that you can make things right if you mess up. In childhood your inner critic was doing it’s best to help you. But now, in adulthood you’ve probably outgrown it. Unfortunately, it hasn’t gotten the message.
Inner Kindness
Your inner critic is normal, and it’s just trying to keep you safe, but that doesn’t mean you have to listen to it. There are ways to talk to yourself that will build you up and help quiet down your inner critic. I’m talking about kindness. Instead of being critical to yourself you could be kind.
Being kind to yourself means choosing to talk to yourself the way you’d like to talk with a loved one. Kindness includes using inner language that is gracious, supportive, and loving. It means choosing words that build you up rather than tear you down. Kindness creates an inner environment that is based on love and respect. It lightens your heart, mind and body as you set down the harsh judgements and expectations of the inner critic.
The inner critic is fear based and comes from your mind. But Kindness comes from your heart and so it is based in Love. Practicing being kind to yourself is a way to embody deep self-love and care.
A Kind Mind: Try This
The next time you stretch your comfort zone and start to feel crappy about it, see if your inner critic is getting revved up. If so, try this:
Notice your Inner Critic. Listen and Hear what it has to say This is THE MOST important part. If you can catch it, you can work with it
Thank your Inner Critic for trying to keep you safe thank it honestly and kindly please
Switch to Inner Kindness choose words that build you up, that you’d like to hear from your favorite aunt or best friend
Keep at it if your Inner Critic gets louder this will take some practice, stick with it
These few steps are a starting point for helping diminish inner criticism and elevate kindness. It won’t change all at once. The stronger your critic, and the stickier the criticism the more practice it will take for kindness to take root. Sometimes folks need support to get there, but you CAN get there.
I believe it, because I’ve lived it…
In the example of my yoga outfit I was lucky that I knew how to catch my inner critic. I knew that if I was feeling that bad about looking so good that my inner critic had to be involved. So first, I slowed down and let her have her say. Then I thanked her for trying to keep me safe and told her I would be ok. And then I looked in the mirror again and told myself the truth. “I look cute”. “I can totally pull it off” “I deserve to have clothes that feel fun and express my personality.” I told myself all the kinds of things that I’d love to hear from a best friend. Then I put on my outfit and went out to class feeling loved and supported from the inside out.
Embodied Love
It seems so simple, but it’s pretty revolutionary to make the switch from inner critic/fear/mind to kindness/love/heart. It presses mute on the critical voice that’s been tearing you down from the inside out. In the quietness your self-confidence will grow.
But deeper than that, it changes your sense of center, subtly shifting it from the outside (I’m afraid of what people think of me ) to the inside (I love myself as I am). Suddenly you embody Love not fear. You live more from your Heart than your head. And life feels qualitatively different: sweeter, softer, more connected and deeply empowered. Love is powerful. When we live from our Hearts we, too, become empowered from the inside out.
Getting to the place of truly living from your Heart requires waking up to those moments when our minds have taken over. The inner critic is one of the ways that happens. With patience and practice we can teach our minds to soften up and make room. With kindness we can move from head-centered to Heart-centered, becoming vessels of Love, Peace, and Freedom along the way.
The next time your inner critic comes up. Pause and whisper words of kindness to yourself. Allow this practice to transform you from the inside out into and Embodiment of Love.
READ MORE: QUIET YOUR INNER CRITIC
A Blog post from 2020 about working with your inner critic in your creative life.
GET FREE FROM YOUR INNER CRITIC: Do you have an over active inner critic? Is it stopping you from living from your Heart? Helping folks recognize and move away from their inner critic is one of the things I do in my life coaching practice. I’d love to support you too! Let’s get on a call and see if coaching is a good fit for you. SIGN UP FOR A 30 MINUTE FREE CALL