Why Being Mindful and Authentic is so Hard & What to do About It

THE SHIFT

Something happened somewhere along the way.  Your yoga class started to be something more… something unexpected.  You started to change not just your body, but your way of thinking and being in the world.  It’s like you pulled back a veil and became more present in your life. That feeling of presence came over you every time you went to yoga and would last for a few hours, but then it faded.  

So you got curious.  You went on a longer yoga retreat where you could settle in. You softened and felt the veil come down around you.  The separation and hiding from life disappeared for longer this time.  And it felt really good.  It felt natural, real.  You felt real.

You came home… and you were like “Ok this is it!  I’m gonna be more present. I’m gonna be more mindful.  I’m gonna be authentic.  I’m just gonna do it.”  So, you’ve been reading all the books (you even do the exercises).  You watched Brené Brown on Netflix and TED.  You never miss yoga and you’ve even taken a meditation series with your favorite teacher. 

THIS IS HARD!!

But, something’s not working.  It seemed so easy to be present and mindful on the retreat, but when you’re in your real life it feels impossible.  You’re snapping at your beloveds.  You spend your hours distracted by social media.  You sink into your old habits of mindlessness and apathy.  Forget about letting your authentic self come through, she’s gone back behind that veil and doesn’t want to come out.

You know that Presence and Authenticity are right there… so why are they so hard to access?

GoING ALONE?

There could be millions of answers to that question, but one answer is that you’re probably going alone.  You’re on the right track, but you don’t have the coach by your side telling you your times, or giving you the map of the terrain.  So you’re out there putting in effort, and getting a little something from it.  But without a teacher who’s truly invested in your journey, it’s hard and slow going.  

Do you remember the 80s film The Karate Kid?  Daniel LaRusso starts off trying to learn karate from a book in his apartment.  He knows some moves, and he’s got the discipline to work at it.  But that doesn’t keep him from getting beaten up by his classmates.  His life and karate skills don’t change until Mr. Miyagi enters.  Within the teacher/student relationship Daniel learns the form, the stamina, the dedication, and the deeper concentration that he needs to defeat his opponent.  I don’t think he would’ve gotten there without his teacher.  

As you can imagine, I’m not talking about a casual relationship.  I’m talking about something deep, personal, and well-defined where both folks are invested in helping you come into a more mindful, authentic relationship with life.  A teacher, or mentor like this, is a practitioner first, someone who’s walking the walk with humility and grace.  That person knows the terrain you’re going to need to cross along your path towards mindful living.  

THE TEACHER APPEARS

What happens when you find your teacher is your efforts are amplified.  That’s because your teacher can see your blind spots, point them out and teach you how to free yourself from them.  Your teacher also hears your struggles and disappointments.  By listening, your teacher holds space for you to let go and begin again.  

Your teacher may also put you in touch with others who are exploring mindfulness.  Then the teacher isn’t just embodied in one human, but the whole community becomes your teacher.  In community you learn faster, your practices deepen, your expansion widens.  That’s because everyone’s learning, mindfulness, and authenticity are shared, not kept inside.  And while inner transformation isn’t a race, a destination, or truly ever finished, there is a tipping point where you generally feel more centered.  Working with a teacher and a community can help you find your center and keep it more consistently.

Choose your teachers well

I know there are many examples of teacher/student relationships going badly.  (Like horribly badly).  So, I’m never going to suggest that anyone give up their own authority.  If it feels wrong in anyway, trust yourself and move away.  And if you’re not sure whether to enter into a student/teacher relationship, the internet is full of good resources for what are red flags. But in my opinion, any good teacher of mindfulness will offer their work in a way that makes it clear that it is your invitation to accept, not a command you must follow. The teachings are an offering that you choose to move towards and you are free to go at any time. You are also free to take what works for you and disregard anything that doesn’t.

Even with all of those horror stories, I still recommend working with someone 1:1. For me, finding my teacher has been life-changing.

Any effort you put in on your own will help.  But when you find your teacher or your community, that’s when your mindfulness practices can really take root.  In the cocoon of care that your teacher and community create you’ll be able to anchor the feelings of presence and peace that happen in your yoga practice into your life.  With practice and guidance you’ll be able to draw them forward even when you’re not at yoga or on a retreat. 

In our disconnected world we’ve gotten out of the tradition of having elders and mentors.  But deep transformational work can’t happen without a guide helping you along. If you’ve been struggling on your own, realize you don’t have to do that anymore.  It’s time to find your teacher.