How to Stay Centered when Stress is Building Up
HERE COMES THE STRESS
Imagine the mother in the kitchen at her wits end. It’s been a long day of working and driving. She’s home and is surrounded by children clamoring for her attention. There are shrieks as big kids run through the room shouting at each other. The little one keeps giving the dog things it’s not supposed to have.
Stress is building and she’s about to lose it as she gets the food onto the table. They offer gratitude for the meal and pick up their forks. She can feel the ‘done-ness’ just below the surface. The “I can’t take another minute” feeling is ready to erupt. And then they start to complain. The dinner isn’t to their liking. They’re not going to eat it… or, they will eat it but there will be a lot of protest in the process.
She. Can’t. Do. This. Any. More.
Five hundred times before, this is when she snapped. She lost it and yelled at her children. Stormed out of the room. Fed the dinner to the dog. Said the meanest things she could. Shut herself in her bedroom knowing what they said was true: She IS ‘the worst mother in the world.’ The other five hundred times times, she gave up. Instead of snapping she shrank away. Retreated into her plate and told them “I don’t care what you do.” She meant it.
But tonight. She doesn’t want the stress to win.
She stands alone in the kitchen. She takes a breath, and another. And she decides to start over. To be different.
When she walks back to the table she opens her eyes and looks at her children. She sees them. She sets aside her small mind that is irritated over something at work, and listens to her children. She reminds herself that she wants to connect and so she stays open to them as she finishes her meal.
Everything changes. Of course it does. The kids settle in. They still complain and don’t like the meal, but the tone of the dinner shifts. By the end, they’re laughing together. And when they go up for bed in a little while, there’s a soft feeling of loving contentment hanging around everyone.
She’s still tired, that’s true, but she’s not about to snap anymore. She’s at peace in the tiredness. The stress has evaporated. She’s centered and her kids feel it too.
This is a true story about many many dinnertimes at my house.
STRESS TAKES OVER
What this story illustrates is the momentum that can build with stress. It’s so easy to be a little irritated about something and to let the irritation take over. Slowly it creeps into everything you’re doing and overflows into things where it has no place being. Stress builds and builds until it feels like a dam is about to burst. Once that happens it can feel inevitable that your stress will come pouring out in the same way that it always has before. And usually, that’s not pretty
WHAT IF YOU WERE DIFFERENT?
I don’t have to tell you about stress, you already know about it. It’s familiar to everyone I know. What you may not realize is that you don’t have to deal with it by letting it build up and then explode. You could choose to keep your center instead. In fact, the moment you choose something else you lay the groundwork for building the pattern of keeping your center in stressful times.
I think of it like turning a train around. Even though there’s a ton of momentum coming, when you connect with your center you can turn the momentum in a different direction. It doesn’t happen on it’s own, you’ll have to be intentional about it. But it IS possible.
KEEPING CENTER
Remember your Intention This is the most important thing you can do. When you’re facing a tidal wave of stress and it’s about to overwhelm you, go back to your intention. What do you want? How do you want to be in this moment?
Make it positive. Instead of saying “I don’t want to yell at my kids” say “I want to connect with my kids.” The positive intention is closer to the truth and has more Shakti -energetic power- than the negative statement. Your intention will center you so it’s harder for the stress to take over. . Now the stress can’t pull you in so many directions.
Turn Around Do a 180. Start over. In meditation speak : “Begin Again” This is hard, but you really can stop and change directions. Just because you have a habit of losing it when you feel stressed doesn’t mean you have to. Choose to do something different. Choose to laugh, choose to connect, choose to breathe.
Now Bring Determined Attention Determined because your stress isn’t going to just disappear because you decide to be different. Making the choice to begin again does weaken the power of your stress, but you’ll have to be determined to keep bringing your attention to your intention. Your mind has been racing with all the things that have stressed you out, bring it to your intention and only your intention. When you’re mid-turn, your intention is the only thing that matters.
Let Yourself Be Different The good thing is, when you turn your attention to your intention you don’t actually have to make anything happen. You just keep coming back to what you intend. It will happen on it’s own.
I don’t know why this is…. maybe the Universe intervenes, maybe your own will and heartfelt desire make it happen. What I know is, if you stick with the intention, it will come around. And, when you’re centered you are energetically more powerful than folks who aren’t centered. So if you get centered and are focused on your intention, the people around you will turn around too.
It may sound hard to believe, but it works. I have done this with my kids a million times, salvaged a million dinners. (And let’s be honest, I’ve lost a bunch along the way.) I’ve done it when I’m teaching yoga and it feels like the class isn’t going well. Instead of throwing in the towel and giving up I’ve remembered my intention and felt the energy in the room shift once I did. I’ve even done it in relationship with friends and my husband when I realized I wasn’t being who I wanted to be. Getting centered, beginning again, and staying attentive to my intentions works every time.
IT TAKES PRACTICE
It sounds simple, too good to be true even. As with many mindfulness based tools, it is simple. But it’s also hard at first. That’s why we need to practice. Formal meditation is your first training ground for this kind of thing. When you sit for meditation your entire job is to notice what’s going on inside you. You let thoughts, emotions, and sensations move through you while you watch from the outside.
Seated meditation is training for finding your center when you’re stressed because the first thing you’ll need to do is recognize that you’re stressed. For this to work, you have to be able to catch on that about to lose center. If you’ve been catching your mind and bringing it back to the present while you meditate it’ll be a lot easier to bring yourself back to the present when you’re stressed.
The other training ground is your actual life. This is where you try it out and see what happens. Think of your attempts to regain center, as practice rounds. You’re practicing a new skill of turning around and beginning again in the moment. You’re not doing it to be to be perfect at it, but because you want to be different in your relationships with your people and your life.
MAKE THE CHOICE
You can choose to bring more consciousness and Love into any moment. (Yes, even really hard ones). It takes intention and determined attention. Those are skills that you can build with practice both on your meditation cushion and in your life. It may be hard at first, but it’s worth it because your work to begin again will only strengthen your relationships. And bring more love into the world.
Every time you begin again instead of letting stress take over, you take a step towards more peace and freedom for yourself and for others. Instead of more stress, what our world needs is more people who are embodying the greatness that’s found in the deep center of all of our Hearts. Let your stress be an alarm bell that reminds you to come to your center. Return to your intentions. Begin Again as many times as it takes. And do it with love and compassion for yourself. I know you can do it. I’m cheering you on from here.
Do you feel like you’re always stressed and can’t ever find your center again? I highly recommend the book: Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA. It’s filled with information, but most interesting are the 7 proven ways to release stress. (If you’re not a big reader, look them up on a podcast)
Want some help with a mindfulness approach to life, living, and stress-reduction? Get in touch. This is the work I do with people. Honestly, it’s life changing.