How to choose: Keep my obligations or follow my inner guidance?
(Photo by Jake Melara on Unsplash)
“I really don’t want to go today.” That’s what I’m thinking while putting on my shoes to drive my daughter to her horseback riding lesson. It’s a beautiful day. I want to be tending a fire in my back yard, having lunch outdoors with friends, hiking in the state park, or napping in my hammock. I don’t want to go, I want to listen to my inner guidance and enjoy the beautiful day.
I spend a lot of time encouraging my coaching clients to follow their inner guidance. That means being flexible, going with the flow, letting life take you where it wants to take you. It means tuning into your authentic self and letting it guide your decisions. It sounds heavenly, doesn’t it?
I hate to say it, but though I teach life alignment a lot, I don’t actually get to do it very often. I follow my inner guidance in big picture ways - like teaching yoga, practicing meditation and coaching awesome people. But when it comes to making smaller every day decisions, I’m not as able to listen to my heart. In reality, I often have situations where what I’ve agreed to and what’s authentic to me don’t align. I know this has to do with my stage in life, so I try not to get to hung up on it. But sometimes it’s a challenge.
If I think I should always only follow my inner guidance, I get stressed out. So I have to look at the reality of my life as a wife and mother. What’s real is I’m in multiple relationships and they require a lot flexibility. Sometimes I’m able to be in total alignment with my Heart. Sometimes I’m not. When i forget that, I end up feeling resistance, resentment, frustration and a lot of anger. Then I don’t want to do whatever I’ve agreed to do. I’m unhappy and I make the people around me unhappy too. It sucks.
How to decide what to do
The problem isn’t that I can’t follow my inner guidance, it’s actually that I’ve forgotten that I’m in an exchange. I’m giving something, yes, but I’m getting something too. Usually if I’m stressed, I think I’m only giving and I’m not receiving in return. That’s why I feel resentful.
It’s useful, then ,to get perspective and remind myself of the exchange I’m making. That way I can decide whether I’m gonna to do what I’ve said I’m gonna do or I’m gonna make a change. In fact, any time I need to make important decisions about my time and energy, I ask two questions that I learned from my meditation teacher, Pat Buxton.
Two Questions:
What’s the exchange?
Is it worth it?
The first question is about honesty. It asks what you’re putting in and what you’re getting back. You have to take a clear look to see all sides of the situation. How much are you really giving? How much are you really getting?
The second question is about value. Now it’s time to evaluate the exchange. When you’re honest about what’s going in and what’s coming back you can decide what’s worth it for you. Is there an imbalance that makes you want to reconsider the arrangement? Did you remember hidden benefits that make you want to continue the commitment? The value of the situation is totally subjective. What makes it worth it to me, might not be enough for you. That’s totally ok. The point is to figure out if it’s worth it FOR YOU and make your decisions based on that.
In the horseback riding lesson example, the exchange is pretty big. I give 3 hours of my Saturday afternoon - driving her to the barn then watching the lesson (while listening to a podcast, talking to horses, and walking in the sunshine). But I get my daughter’s physical, mental, and emotional health. The exchange includes my husband’s mental health too, because if he drives her every time he ends up stressed. I also trade Saturday afternoon on for Sunday morning off while my husband drives. Add in the connection time with my daughter in the car and that this shows her my interest in her life.
So, when I look at the exchange and weigh 3-hours of my day against everything else, Ii’s definitely worth it. Of course it is. Will I drive like this forever? No. Is it worth it today? Yes. The best part of taking the time to remember the exchange is that I dropped my frustration about it and enjoyed my time with my kid.
Aligned not Martyred
The two questions are great for decisions about how to direct your sacred resources - your time, energy, body, and attention. And they offer perspective on difficult decisions; especially ones that aren’t 100% aligned with your authentic self. Sometimes they stop you from pouring your sacred resources into things that aren’t worth it. Sometimes they point toward something that’s not a total fit but is a stepping stone toward your desires. I use these questions often.
But they come with this warning: Don’t be a martyr.
Most of us find all sorts of creative ways to give up on our heart’s desires. This is especially true for folks socialized female because we’ve been taught to always put others before ourselves. If you’re not careful you may martyr yourself on the altar of everyone else’s needs.
That’s definitely not what these questions are for. Remember that the exchange has to TRULY be worth it for you. For all the times that you make an exchange that sacrifices one of your desires, there must be other times when your desires take center stage.
Moving toward your Authentic Self
I firmly believe there should be plenty of times when we don’t need to ask these questions. Times when we’re deeply experiencing the delight of living an embodied, authentic life. But I also know we live in a busy world that asks a lot of us every day. Without clear seeing we’ll give our sacred resources away and wonder why we feel so resentful. Thank goodness for the exchange questions.
Take care, and be discerning about your time, energy, and attention. Use these two questions to help you make the important decisions about your sacred resources. Let them help you discover what you really value. Allwo them to support you in times of confusion. And most of all, let them steer your life into alignment with your authentic self.