Less Perfection // More Connection

(Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash)

Here comes Martha Stewart

Imagine Martha Stewart coming to the first Thanksgiving dinner you’ve ever made. The stress, anxiety, frustration, flat-out fear. That’s how I felt last week as I prepared to cook Thanksgiving dinner for the first time for my in-laws.

My mother-in-law isn’t Martha Steward but she cooks and entertains like her. Beautiful table decor. Delicious foods. Elegant clothes with not a hair out of place. Unlike what the documentary said about Martha, my mother-in-law is nice, thank goodness!.

Even so, all last week I was stressing. How could my very first attempt at cooking Thanksgiving dinner ever live up to her standards? And what would she think if I served my grandmother’s (not fancy) mac & cheese?

The more I thought about it, the more stressed I got. The more stressed I got, the more I tried to plan my way out of it. The more plans I made, the more constricted I felt. The more all of that happened the more I needed things to go just right. That all made me feel more stressed which led to more planing, more tightening, more insisting things go the right way… more stress…. you see the pattern.

Hello Perfectionism Loop

Liz Gilbert calls perfectionism “Fear in good shoes” She also says something to the effect of ‘My fear is the least interesting thing about me.’ And I have to agree on both!

Perfectionism is all about control. Controlling the world so we don’t have to face or feel the stress of its unpredictability. Controlling ourselves and others so we don’t feel judgement from others. We perfect ourselves so that we don’t expose our vulnerabilities to ourselves or others. If everything is ‘perfect’ or ‘just right’ then it’s harder for them to push us away. Deep inside we reason: “If I’m perfect, I belong.”

On the flipside there’s the pain of imperfection. “If I’m not perfect I don’t belong” So we we do the pushing away before anyone else can do it. We try to banish parts of ourselves that we don’t like. We perfect those things about us that we think make us unacceptable and unworthy of belonging.

The problem is ALL parts are needed is you want to experience your wholeness. Without all of you, you’ll always feel unworthy, fragmented, and separate. There will always be a divide inside - which leads to a divide outside - which keeps you from connecting with others (which is a big piece of belonging)

Perfectionism Blocks Connection

What’s needed is less perfection and more connection. WIth my mother-in-law what I really wanted by impressing her wasn’t bragging rights - it was her approval. It was a feeling that I belong with her and with her family. What I realized was that belonging doesn’t come from cooking the perfect meal. It comes from sharing one’s authentic self and being met with acceptance.

THank goodness I realized I was in perfectionism before my in-laws arrived. It let me change my whole approach. Instead of trying to make everything perfect I focused on having an imperfect Thanksgiving this year. I let my mother-in-law see me sweat in the kitchen. I made Grammie’s Mac & Cheese (with cheddar, not brie or gouda). I fixed stuffing from a bag. And you know what, my mother-in-law had nothing but nice things to say.

What was more important was that I felt better inside myself. I felt more open, available, and less stressed. Yes, sometimes it felt a little vulnerable to be so real. But the flip to that was that I definitely felt more connected with my husband’s family than ever before.

Imperfection in service of Connection

Our world is feeling more challenging than ever. And folks share with me that they’re lonely, disconnected and anxious a lot of the time. One of the ways we get stuck in those negative feelings is by trying to be perfect instead of real.

So this holiday season I encourage you to notice if you’re trying to get things ‘just right’ or make everything ‘perfect’. If you catch yourself in perfectionism, check-in. How connected do you feel? (probably not very)

Then soften. Commit to imperfection in service of connection. And then be brave enough to be real with your dear ones. I promise you, it will make you a much easier person to relate to -and will definitely deepen your connections with friends and family.

If nothing else, drawing closer to our dear ones is what this season is all about.