Change 101

(Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash)

This spring we’re exploring the change process through an ongoing series of posts.  This week I’m introducing the basic parts of the change cycle.

In my front yard the daffodils are blooming.  Just like they do every year, the stems came up a week ago when the weather was warm.  They put out buds which became flowers.  In a few days the flowers will wither and curl in.  Then the plants will seem to go dormant again until this time next year.  Every step along the way was predictable. And yet, every day the plant was changing.  Welcome, friend, to the change process.  

Here’s something to know about change: Change is not a static one time event.  Change is a process and change unfolds.

Because change is an unfolding process it’s predictable.  It has landmarks that can be followed.  Navigating by the stars of change will eventually lead you out the other side.  Over there, the change process is complete. You don’t have to do anything else with it. Time to move into the next phase of your life. (At least until the next change cycle starts)

There are many many maps of the change process.  Myths offer roadmaps (hero’s journey).  Nature does, too (think seasons and butterflies).  We’ll visit a few during this series. But what I want to stress today is that change is a predictable and paradoxical process.  The paradox is that though you can’t predict how you’ll change or what you’ll change into, the change process itself is predictable.  With change, you’re moving through the unknown in a known way.  Today we’ll take a look at the basic parts of the change cycle.  

Pre-Change: The Spark

The first part of change is the spark.  Something happens.  You get fired.  You get married. You’re diagnosed.  You have an epiphany.  Sometimes the spark is super tiny - you realize you’re frustrated with your kids every morning and you want things to be different.  That realization is the spark. A spark could also be something huge: you become a parent for the first time.    Change can come from the inside or the outside.  But it always starts with something that asks you to be different from how you’ve been up until now.

A lot of folks think the spark is the whole change. But in reality, it’s only the starting point.  There’s a lot more coming before the change process is complete.  Consider the example of the frustrated parent.  Just knowing she’s frustrated isn’t going to make things different in the mornings.  She’s going to have to take action.  Or the example of becoming a parent.  Holding your infant is the beginning of the change you’ll go through as you learn what being a parent is all about.  

Part One: Meltdown

After the spark, change moves into meltdown.  This is the part that most of us really try to avoid. The person you were isn’t going to make it to the end of the change cycle.  That person has to be different.  The meltdown is where you let go of the parts of you that are keeping you stuck.  Meltdown happens inside you.  It’s a necessary step that clears space for the new you.

The frustrated mom has to let go of some parts of her morning. Maybe she’ll let go of being someone who hits snooze every time the alarm goes off, or of being someone who stays up until 1 or 2 am.  Maybe she’ll need to let go of being the one who does everything for everyone else.  When she realizes she wants to change - she’ll have to look at what’s not going well.  Letting go of those things happens in the meltdown phase.

For the new parent, meltdown comes in stages. Letting go of sleep. letting go of their freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want. Letting go of self-centeredness.  Letting go of how their relationships used to be.  

The meltdown phase is generally not the favorite.  It’s painful to witness the habits that hold you back.  It hurts to let go of parts of yourself that you really like when you’d rather keep them around.  The meltdown is so uncomfortable that a lot of people try to resist it which only keeps them stuck there for longer.  Very strong resistance can actually keep people from going into the change cycle.  It may feel comfortable, but at the price of depth, growth, wisdom, and transformation.   Painful and scary as it may seem, I recommend continuing onwards.

Part Two: A New Dream (+Plans)

The next step in the change process is the new dream.  After a time of letting go, something new begins to emerge.  A new idea. A new direction.  A new energy flows towards life.  The dream has arrived.  The dream phase is when you’ve let go of enough of the the old you to make room for the new.  The dream phase has two parts: dreams and plans.  

The frustrated mom stops wishing not to be frustrated and instead dreams of being peaceful in the mornings.  She dreams of being spacious for her kids and for herself.  It’s a subtle change but instead of fighting frustration, she moves towards ease.

The new parent slowly accepts that they are now the adult in the room and dreams of what adventures they will experience with their child.

In the beginning of the dream phase folks literally just imagine new ideas.  It’s like a light dawning on the horizon.  This part could last quite a while but eventually will shift even more towards making a plan.  The plan part includes going from imagining to figuring out HOW to make the dream real.  

The new parent starts planning a day trip with the baby.  The frustrated mom decides to wake up early to meditate because she knows she’ll feel more spacious when she does.  Those are the plans that are in service of the dream.  Again, notice that this happens on the inside.  Nothing’s moving in the world yet… but it’s about to.

Part 3: The Struggle 

The next step is the struggle.  I know we thought the first part was the struggle, and it kind of was… but this next step is where you take the dreams and plans and try to put them into action.  Unfortunately, no matter how good the plans are, things never go as expected.  It’s always always always harder than you think.  

The new parent tries the first day trip and there’s an unplanned diaper blowout, nobody has enough to eat, and the baby refuses to nap in the car.  It’s a miserable day for everyone.  The frustrated mom sets her alarm for meditation but realizes that getting up early is easier said than done.  She meditates but then she’s even more cranky with the kids because she’s so tired.

In the struggle stage things are happening in the outside world, not in your head.  And it’s the deposits in the bank stage. Everything you try is like making a deposit in the bank towards where you want to end up.  It can feel exhausting.  It can start a whole new change cycle if you discover something unexpected.  And it can feel never ending.  This is another part of the change process that most people don’t like because they don’t like that it’s work.  Hard work actually.

Post-Change: Freedom

But stick with it because after that you’re done.  The last part of the change cycle isn’t change and isn’t work, it’s freedom.  In this last part you get to reap the rewards of your meltdown, dreams, plans, and struggles.  The transformation is complete and you move confidently through the world as this new version of yourself.

The frustrated mom isn’t frustrated anymore - she’s calm and spacious (most of the time).  The new parent is more at ease with their child. Adventures unfold and freedoms that seemed so important before don’t matter as much anymore.  Life isn’t changing so much… now it’s different from how it was.  And it’s kind of hard to remember life being any other way.  

In Process

We’re all always invited into this process.  Sometimes we’re forced into this process.  But no matter why you’re in it, the change process will always happen in these parts.  I think it’s good to know these parts because when you’re in change, you can easily feel disoriented or disheartened.  Knowing that struggle, for example, is actually a predictable part of change can help you realize that you’re almost to the end. It can also help you to have some compassion for yourself as you’re going through changes.  

These parts are like a roadmap you can read as you go through the change cycle.  It tells you where you are and what to expect out of the terrain.  It can even tell you when it’s time to do inner work (like letting go or starting to dream) and when it’s time to do outer work (like taking a trip or setting your alarm).  And it tells you when you’re through, when it’s time to rest and reap the rewards from your efforts.  

As with any map, there may be times when you re-trace your steps.  You seem to move backwards to go forwards.  This happens a lot during the struggle - you have to go back and let go of something else, or redraw your plans.  It’s all part of the process.  Stick with it.  Stick with yourself and eventually you will make it back to freedom.

And that’s the point, isn’t it? Freedom.  Freedom from those habits that keep you stuck and playing small. Freedom from the limiting thoughts that hold you back.  Freedom to be the most authentic version of yourself in any moment.  Freedom from resisting your life.  When you allow yourself to fully invest in each stage of the change cycle you will eventually come to freedom.  And that feeling makes everything else worth it.  

Journal Questions: Consider a change you’re trying to make in your life.  When you think about that change - where would you say you are in the change process? What do you need to do while you’re in that part of the process that will help you move through the change?

Want help to move through the change process? That’s what I do in life coaching and yoga teacher mentoring.  Schedule a free call and let’s talk about how I can help you.