The Spark: Change Starts Here
“I hate feeling so self-conscious when I’m in front of the students”
“I don’t want to be so uncomfortable when I’m in a meeting anymore.”
“I’m so stressed all the time… something’s gotta change.”
“I just keep beating myself up and it’s horrible”
My coaching clients have said all of these things to me in our initial interviews. It makes my heart ache when I hear it. I know how uncomfortable it is to feel stressed, anxious, self-conscious, or stuck in negativity. I’ve been there; it sucks. 0 out fo 5 stars… do not recommend.
So what do you do when you’re stuck like that? Well, change something, of course.
Last week I introduced the stages of change. This week we start a deeper dive into each stage, starting with the Spark.
The Spark
The spark is like the moment you light a match. There wasn’t fire before, but now there is. Now something is going to transform. There are plenty of sparks in our lives that we don’t ask for: deaths, unexpected diagnoses, injury, complications in relationships. Those sparks start fires that we would gladly avoid if possible. But unfortunately we will have to deal with them.
On the other side though, are matches that we light on purpose. These are the changes that we WANT to make. It happens when you notice where things aren’t going so great in your life. You might light a match to support your body, to enhance your career, to better your relationships, or to move closer to the Mystery. You might want to feel more like yourself and so you set out on a journey of self-discovery.
The good thing is that no matter what lights the spark - change happens in the same predictable way every time. So if you invite change or if change comes uninvited either way you’ll generally go through the same stages. Rest easy, you’re not signing up for a more intense road of trials if you decide to make some personal changes.
Uninvited change doesn’t make you strike the match. But invited change - intentional change means you pick up that match and get the fire going yourself. That can feel a little scary sometimes. It’s why people stay stuck for so long. They’re too scared, or they don’t know how, to start the change process.
What Sucks?
Here’s what I do with my clients and what I recommend for anyone who wants to make a change in their life.
Start with what sucks. Excuse the language, but really - what’s a part of your life that really isn’t going as well as it could? Consider: What sucks and also has the potential to improve? Sometimes there’s an area of your outer life that could improve - you’re holding yourself back at work or you’re always yelling at your kids. Sometimes the part that sucks is more internal - you’re filled with self-criticism and it keeps you playing small. Usually folks will notice that they’re not being the person they want to be in the outer world (with kids, parents, or at work). Or they feel like they’re totally suffering inside because the inner voices have gotten so harsh.
When you notice what sucks, you’ll immediately tune in to a part of you that says “Not that!” “Not that!” “Not that!” It’s the knowledgeable part that knows that what’s going on isn’t good for you. It isn’t true for you. All this part will say is “I don’t want that.”
This is a negative voice. This is a push away from life. This is resistance showing up in a big big way. And it’s another place where people can get stuck. We know that human brains are wired with a negativity bias. I’m sure it kept our ancient ancestors safe - and I’m grateful that enough of my ancestors weren’t eaten by saber-toothed tigers that I was able to be born. But. We also know this negative bias will perpetuate into infinity, keeping us stuck and unhappy forever if we don’t interrupt it. So, please, interrupt it!
Flip It
Once you’ve figured out what you don’t want it’s time to flip it upside down and figure out what you DO want. The great thing about this is that in the beginning it’s a simple word game. Here’s how it works: If you don’t want - STRESS - then replace the word stress with something that means exactly the opposite: PEACE, EASE, REST . Those could all be examples. It’s plug and play - I don’t want X, so I do want Y.
When you flip it over you go from having a negative voice in your head to having a positive one. You go from stuck to interested. You go from pushing away to moving towards. And it cracks the shell of resistance. Yes, this does start to sound like a conversation about manifestation and law of attraction type stuff. I’m not saying this isn’t that. But we don’t even have to go there. It can just be that you switch your own brain wiring from seeing what’s horrible to seeing what’s possible. The spark is ignited for the fire of transformation to move through your life and bring you what you desire.
What do you want?
Here’s an assignment I sometimes give my clients. Try it out if you’re ready to spark change:
Write down an area of your life where things aren’t going so well.
Now, knowing that, imagine your life if things were going well in that area.
Once you start to get a picture of it, write down that picture as if you are describing a scene in a movie: what are you doing? who’s there? What does it smell, look, taste like? How do you feel?
Read your description and notice a few things: Is it in the present tense? (I go for a run in the morning) or is it in another tense (I went for a run, I want to run every morning) Is it in a positive voice (I feel peaceful) or a negative/push away voice (I don’t feel stressed)
Re-write your description and change it so that it is always in the present tense and is positive. When you get it really dialed in, you should feel super excited to read it. It’ll gives you chills or put a big grin on your face.
Re-read your description over and over - like you’re lighting a ton of matches to help your fire get started
You’ve got the Match
You don’t always get to choose to change. But when you do, you’ll get unstuck and change faster if you get out of your negative bias and consider how you want to change. So many people get stuck and stay there. They never realize that they can dream up new ideas or make a shift. They’re holding a box of matches in front of a pile of kindling and never realize they could start their own fire.
We have the power to make a lot of changes within our lives. And, collectively, we have even more power to make bigger changes for everyone’s lives. Individual and collective change starts with discomfort, negativity and feeling stuck. But it doesn’t stay there. It moves when we decide things can be different. That decision is the spark that starts the whole process.
Ask over and over: What does my most authentic self want? What does my Heart want? Let your answers light matches to spark the change you most desire.