A Surprising Key to More Confidence
This summer I’m slowing the blog down a bit. To tide you over until fall I’m dropping in with occasional thoughts like this one … Enjoy!
Last week my boss texted me to say someone would be coming to my next yoga class to “evaluate” it. I had less than 24 hours.
I’ve been teaching yoga for 16 years. You’d think that with this much teaching experience I wouldn’t worry about being evaluated. But let me tell you, I’ve been through some pretty intense “evaluation” experiences. And though they were in the spirit of “becoming the best teacher I could be” I inevitably came up short. So I don’t love having my teaching evaluated.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop it from happening, which meant I had to show up and do my best last week - even though I was pretty stressed.
Thing is, with years of teaching experience, and a class that I could rely on to be attentive and engaged I really didn’t need to worry. Once I got past my initial knee-jerk reaction to the word “evaluation” I relaxed. I realized that nothing irreversible was going to happen. And that even if I royally bombed the class I would recover and students would return the next week. (maybe I wouldn’t have my job… but I doubted it).
That last part is what feels important to highlight today. It wasn’t that I knew I would go out there and “kill it!” and teach the evaluator the best class they’d ever had in their life. It was that I knew I’d be ok no matter what happened.
Self-Compassion
What I gave myself by realizing that was Self-COMPASSION.
Self-compassion is the capacity to look at yourself as human. To be kind to yourself as a struggling human no matter what’s happening. It’s the ability to be sweet and gentle with yourself even when (especially when) you’re not perfect. It includes being able to forgive yourself when you get things wrong.
It brings you Confidence
I think self-compassion is a key ingredient for CONFIDENCE. Without self-compassion, confidence relies solely on performance. Confidence without compassion is sourced in outer achievements and fulfilling expectations. It leads to bravado and having to prove oneself over and over. This kind of confidence is flimsy - easily knocked down when perfection doesn’t happen.
But when you add compassion to the mix, confidence can be sourced much deeper. It comes from the knowing that you are fundamentally ok. That whatever happens in the big game, or the meeting, or the yoga class you will still treat yourself with kindness. That though you may experience disappointments or setbacks, you are still treasured. That even in your humanity you deserve love, respect, comfort, and connection.
This kind of confidence is strong. It’s about affirming yourself, so it can stand up to anything life puts in your way. That’s what happened for me last week.
When it was time, I walked into the studio with confidence. Not the bravado of someone with something to prove. But with the true confidence of someone who knows her craft and who knows that even if she messes up she will still be ok.
The class went how the class went (why did I say those random things?). Afterwards the evaluator told me what a great job I’d done. But it really didn’t matter, did it? What mattered most was that I was ok through the whole thing. And that came from self-compassion fueling authentic confidence.
So the next time you’re wavering, feeling unsteady with yourself - check in and have some compassion. Remind yourself that you’ll be ok no matter the outcome. And be sure to give yourself some kindness. It will make all the difference. Then. Do the thing!
PS. I’m pretty sure the idea of compassion and confidence being linked comes from Cleo Wade (read her book: Heart Talk)
PPS If you want to know more about Self-Compassion please check out Dr. Kristin Neff and read her book on the topic.