How to Know When to Let a Habit Go

This summer I’m slowing the blog down a bit. To tide you over until fall I’m dropping in with occasional thoughts like this one … Enjoy!

Q&A this week….

Recently a mentoring client asked me this insightful question: 

What is your personal criteria for deciding what habits to let go of? 

To be honest, I’m not sure I’ve really considered what my criteria might be.  Not in any formalized way.  But when I took a moment to pause and consider my answer three main responses arose.

Here’s what I want to know about my habits:

• Is it causing suffering? 

• Is it causing separation?

• Am I missing my life because of it? 

If I answer yes to any of these questions then the habit isn’t serving me. I’s time to bring my attention to it so that it can release.

In the beginning of inner work we may spend time on outer habits like setting up a meditation or yoga practice. We get outwardly organized to support the inner work. But as those habits take hold, many folks will feel more challenged around changing habits.

That’s because once outer practices are in place, we notice our inner habits. These kinds of habits don’t have a lot to do with taking action in the world.  They’re more about habits of mind. They include things like judging ourselves and others, self-diminishment, avoidance, or fragility. This means that many of our habits aren’t very simple.  They ask us to change on multiple levels all at once - both inwardly and outwardly. 

We have to become discerning yet compassionate witnesses of ourselves if we wish for this kind of change.  So let’s look closer at each question above.

Is it causing suffering? 

If we’re actually physically hurting ourselves, we can notice our own suffering.  But often a negative mental state cause us to stay stuck and suffering without seeing it.  

This happens when one tells oneself: “I’m not good enough” “I don’t deserve happiness” “Everyone else knows more than me”  or any other negative self-talk.  It’s painful to hear such negativity about oneself. And we cause ourselves much unnecessary suffering. Unfortunately if we’re not careful, we’ll choose experiences that prove the thoughts right.  Then we experience both internal and external suffering.

On a macro scale this is how racism, sexism, homophobia … any and all bigotry survives.  Ultimately, it causes suffering for entire swaths of people. 

So by asking: Is the habit causing suffering? And choosing to make changes if it is, we change the fabric of society.  Inside ourselves first.  Outside ourselves like a ripple.

Is it causing separation? 

What I mean is: Does this pattern make me feel closer or further away from my authentic self, my beloveds, Nature or śakti.  In Tantric yoga philosophy there is an inborn limitation that we all have called the Anava Mala.  It makes us believe that we are separate.  It’s important because it lets us each live our our unique dharma, or calling, in this lifetime.  

But separation quickly leads to division.  Who’s right, who’s wrong?  What’s good, what’s bad?  Who belongs and who’s on the outside? When one believes oneself to be separate from another and from Nature it becomes possible to take actions of harm… and therefore to cause suffering.  

By asking if a habit is causing separation and working with it when it is, we weave ourselves back into meaningful relationships.  That’s when healing can happen.

Am I missing my life because of it? 

I’d like to be fully present with folks when I’m with them.  I’d like to be fully awake to the joys of my life as they happen.  I don’t love being fully awake to pain, but I know I can’t run from that and keep the joy.  So I want the fortitude to be fully awake to pain too. 

Our culture is very interested in being comfortable and entertained.  But there’s a lot of life that is uncomfortable and less than entertaining.  If a habit is keeping me from living fully, experiencing fully, then that habit is making me miss my life. I only get one life, I don’t wanna miss it!

Could you imagine a world where everyone was attempting to show up with full presence more often than not? That might change everything….

What does it really take to shift a habit?

Practice.  Practice. Practice. 

And the willingness to start over a million times in 3 minutes. 

It’s frustrating and unglamorous.  It’s Beginning Again when you just made an epic mess of things. It’s witnessing yourself with compassion when things aren’t going your way.  It’s exhausting at times and feels impossible.  It’s energizing at times and feels like the simplest thing you’ve ever done.  It’s, you know, …life. 

What happens when we practice and Begin Again?

We grow.  

We grow Consciousness.  

We grow Connection.  

We Grow Presence.  

We Grow LOVE.

We bring more Consciousness, Connection, Presence, and Love into our lives and the world.

For that, I’m willing to play the long game of total transformation. Are you?

Did this article speak to you? Would it speak to one of your friends? If so, I’d love for you to forward it and invite them into our circle.